Question: Why can’t grown women have a civilized conversation?
Well isn’t that a loaded question? Well Shepherd how about an answer? Ok, here is my take on the situation. I was talking to my grandfather the other day and I asked him this same question. He told me parents typically taught the boys to speak up for themselves but the girls had to be quiet and genteel. He goes on to say, “Was it right? I thought so at the time?” My 96 year old grandfather said back then if a woman spoke up for herself, she was considered being argumentative and would most likely NEVER get a man. As the generations of women continue to grow shouldn’t that have changed slightly? It certainly has in the women versus men debate. Women will question, analyze, and interrogate a man to the point of submission, but will not carry that same intensity in settling differences between other females. Why? We are so passive aggressive with a species that knows and understands the trials of being a female. As a former school counselor, I often found myself putting the “Female Wars” out on a daily basis. Female Wars means all the fights and arguments that occur in the land of Girls’ World. Example:
Story Alert: LaTisha was “beefing” (yes I said “beefing”, trying to be hip) with Madison because Randale told her that Maison was talking about her and her family, who didn’t have a lot of money. LaTisha is of course mad that Madison was talking about her behind her back. Instead of LaTisha asking Madison about what was said, she decided to remain quiet and didn’t talk to Madison for days. Note: In Girls’ World, days can feel like years.
Madison is confused on why her friend is being sileint with her. Madison decides to ask LaTisha what is going on. When she approaches LaTisha, Madison is calm and friendly. She asked “Hey, girl whats up? I haven’t spoken to you in days.” LaTisha Girl’s World response “Whatever”. Madison looks confused and ask again “What’s Up?” Instead of LaTisha explaining what the problem was she rudely said, “F*ck Up B@tch, you know what you did.” and walked off. NOW tempers are flaring. Madison is ticked off. Her friend just curse at her and she doesn’t know why.
Additional days go by when a teacher brings the matter to me. The girls had become so disruptive that they are disturbing the classroom environment. I now have LaTisha and Madison in my office and if looks could kill, both of them (not me of course) would be leaving the school in body bags. In my awesome “counselory” voice, I ask “What’s going on ladies?” and the Sonic Boom drops! Everyone is talking at the same time giving me a migrane. Long story short..it took almost 30 minutes to get to the root of the problem. Finally, LaTisha tells Madison what Randale told her what Madison said about her and her family. Madison admits she said it but not in the manner Randale is portraying. LaTisha said “If I wanted the world to know my family is poor, I would have told them!” she shouts. I expressed to her that I understood and to calm down. I sent for Randale since she is the third party that has cause this issue. In the land of Girls’ World there is ALWAYS a third party. Madison explained that she did say that LaTisha didn’t have a lot of money and that she felt sorry for her. She said “LaTisha, I’m sorry girl. You right.. it wasn’t my place to tell your family’s business. I promise I didn’t say it in a mean way.. honest!” Randale comes in and I asked her about the issue. Of course Randale is sticking with she didn’t say anything to anybody. After 30 minutes of rants, you know I was not about to be calm and patience with this, but surprisingly the counselor was. I laid out all the information that was shared between LaTisha and Madison and asked Randale again. Still playing the victim card that she, Randale, has said anything and is don’t appreciate being accused. I could tell LaTisha and Madison is getting the bigger picture of what is going on. LaTisha and Madison decided to disregard Randale and to forgive each other.
Weeks of non-talking came down to a 45 minute meeting in my office. I end this post with this..if we teach our young girls/adult women the following, then MAYBE they will not grow up to be women who carry on in the same manner.
Steps to Remember:
1. Remain calm-Do not address an issue when emotions are running high.
2. Ask Questions-In a calm voice, ask the necessary questions that will get to the bottom of the conflict.
3. Listen-If you ask a question, wait for a response.
4. Resolution-Find a peaceful resolution to the problem where both parties are satisfied.
Lets put away the Passive Aggressive Mentality and Talk to One Another!
Happy Chatting Ladies!!
Excerpt from Oh My Gosh! Not Another Mean Girl: How to help Girls with Relational Aggression. Reserve your copy today at www.fnsconsultingservices.com