Are you a Mean Man or Woman?? Hmmmm


Greetings FiNeSse Fans!

I know its been a while since my last post. I know! I know! 🙂 I have been fortunate enough to conduct numerous workshops over the last couple of months. Talking to students, parents, and professionals has been BEYOND exciting for me. However, I noticed a few things in my last workshop that I wanted to share with you.

FiNeSse Consulting is not a company that only works with “Mean Girl” issues. We strive on conflict resolution and team building with both gender and ALL ages. I say that to say…In my last workshop, I spoke on conflict resolution skills with a group of business professionals. I will admit I went into the workshop thinking this will be simple. “Surely, grown business minded individuals know how to resolve conflicts..Right?” Yea! Ok..(lol)

First Observation:

  1. Musical chairs-this group contained 30 individuals. A good mixture of ages, gender, and ethnicities. As individuals are trickling in, I observed three men who were already seated, proceed to get up and move chairs around so that others coming in will not sit close to them. Seriously Men! Presenter Rule of Thumb #1: Do not assume that all men and women are mature. If you keep that thought in mind, you will get through your presentation with the perfect poker face. Anyway, being the cool presenter that I am, I waited to everyone was seated and then proceed to mix EVERYONE up. Attendees were no longer sitting next to their “BFF” or “Homie”. Just in case you were wondering, a few gave me the side-eyed glance and attempted to be difficult, but the majority complied with my request. I noticed that those same three men refuse to move, unbeknownst to them I proceeded to use my conflict resolution skills on them. I shall not make this blog long. End result, they moved to their designated spot and became my new best friends..well until the workshop was over.. Presenter Rule of Thumb #2: Sometimes you have to make a polite “ass” out of someone to set the tone for the workshop. I never raised my voice or treated these men in a disrespectful way. By me going through the steps, they started to process how foolish they were behaving in front of their colleagues and decided to comply.
  2. The Case of the Whitleys- During the workshops, I give scenarios for participants to work through in their groups. The group chooses a “reporter” to share what the group discussed. Typically, the most outspoken person is volunteered or volunteers themselves for this task. During the reporting stage of the workshop, this outspoken individual is so eloquent in their delivery and LONG WINDED..They are reporting their group discussion as well as their own opinion. A lovely Caucasian female was the reporter of her group. She went from giving the synopsis of what her group discussed, to her personal opinion, as well as professional/educational background.Maddening! You may not realize it, but this is a self esteem piece. It was important to her for everyone in the room to know who she was and her background. Therefore, she was determined to incorporate herself while sharing her group response. When an individual gets long winded and start to ramble, they have the “Case of the Whitleys”. I am a big fan of the television show A Different World. Jasmine Guy, portrayed southern bell Whitley Gilbert. Whitley was always accused of excessive talking or attempting to dominate the conversation. When Whitley is talking, you can not get a word in AT ALL. So what do you do when you have a Whitley Gilbert in your workshop? Presenter Rule Thumb #3: Make sure you give a 5-minute rule to share out and stick to it. If it looks like the reporter is having difficulty “finding the period”, as the presenter you politely interject and restate what the individual has shared. Then thank the group for their responses and quickly move to the next group. By restating what the individual said, you are showing the participant you were listening as well as being respectful of their time.

The workshop was a success and my 3 stubborn men actually shock my hand after the presentation. Nice! lol

MY POINT: Relational Aggression (Bully/Mean Girl) is about isolation, exclusion, intimidation, etc. When those men moved their chairs around to keep others from sitting next to them they were trying to “exclude” others from their group.

Individuals who try to dominate a conversation are typically trying to intimidate the other party(ies) into submission in some sort of way. Please do not misunderstand, if you are an outspoken individual, that is a great trait to have. High self-esteem outspoken individuals, can speak their minds but recognize the importance of allowing others to talk. Individuals with low to moderate self-esteem are overcompensating. Those are the ones who has “The Case of the Whitleys”. So be careful out there and make sure you are allowing others to talk and share their opinion as well. A conversation requires two or more individuals. It is not a conversation or dialogue if one person is monopolizing the conversation. So be careful my outspoken friends 🙂

We see these traits in our children. However, we cannot forget one important thing. Children mimic what they see from adults.

So are you a Mean Dude or Chick? hmmmmmm

Be nice out there…

A Message from FiNeSse Consulting

Don’t forget to check out my webpage at




Greetings FiNeSse Family!

Fall is officially here! I love this time of season..not to hot..not to cold. Love it! The school year is progressing nicely but this is the time that conflicts can begin to surface. During the fall season, issues between girls that have been simmering and simmering since August now explodes into World War 35! Maybe its the weather. Who knows with girls 🙂 Halloween is around the corner but I have to wonder who or what is worse, ghosts, goblins, or a ticked off teenage girl?

I know many of you work with young girls and ladies motivating them to be successful and to work through conflicts in a productive manner. TEAM! (in my coach’s voice) This is not the time to let our guards down! We have to be ready when the boiling pot explodes. Its coming…

Therefore, it is imperative to continue to keep the lines of communication open with our girls and young ladies. When you talk to the females on various issues, remember one important thing: Meet them where they are. Sounds easy in theory; however, when a young girl is crying on a topic that may seem trivial to you, it is important to remember, this “crisis” is important to her. We have to be understanding, compassionate, and most importantly restrain from using “adult language” (i.e. “It will be okay”, “Is that all”, “You are young…”) In my experience with working with girls and young ladies, this is Kryptonite to our Superman approach to Girls’ World communication.

So remember to meet them on their level in order to establish and maintain a productive line of communication.

Happy Fall!!

A Message from FiNeSse Consulting

Don’t forget to check out my book promotional webpage at