Are you a Mean Man or Woman?? Hmmmm


Greetings FiNeSse Fans!

I know its been a while since my last post. I know! I know! 🙂 I have been fortunate enough to conduct numerous workshops over the last couple of months. Talking to students, parents, and professionals has been BEYOND exciting for me. However, I noticed a few things in my last workshop that I wanted to share with you.

FiNeSse Consulting is not a company that only works with “Mean Girl” issues. We strive on conflict resolution and team building with both gender and ALL ages. I say that to say…In my last workshop, I spoke on conflict resolution skills with a group of business professionals. I will admit I went into the workshop thinking this will be simple. “Surely, grown business minded individuals know how to resolve conflicts..Right?” Yea! Ok..(lol)

First Observation:

  1. Musical chairs-this group contained 30 individuals. A good mixture of ages, gender, and ethnicities. As individuals are trickling in, I observed three men who were already seated, proceed to get up and move chairs around so that others coming in will not sit close to them. Seriously Men! Presenter Rule of Thumb #1: Do not assume that all men and women are mature. If you keep that thought in mind, you will get through your presentation with the perfect poker face. Anyway, being the cool presenter that I am, I waited to everyone was seated and then proceed to mix EVERYONE up. Attendees were no longer sitting next to their “BFF” or “Homie”. Just in case you were wondering, a few gave me the side-eyed glance and attempted to be difficult, but the majority complied with my request. I noticed that those same three men refuse to move, unbeknownst to them I proceeded to use my conflict resolution skills on them. I shall not make this blog long. End result, they moved to their designated spot and became my new best friends..well until the workshop was over.. Presenter Rule of Thumb #2: Sometimes you have to make a polite “ass” out of someone to set the tone for the workshop. I never raised my voice or treated these men in a disrespectful way. By me going through the steps, they started to process how foolish they were behaving in front of their colleagues and decided to comply.
  2. The Case of the Whitleys- During the workshops, I give scenarios for participants to work through in their groups. The group chooses a “reporter” to share what the group discussed. Typically, the most outspoken person is volunteered or volunteers themselves for this task. During the reporting stage of the workshop, this outspoken individual is so eloquent in their delivery and LONG WINDED..They are reporting their group discussion as well as their own opinion. A lovely Caucasian female was the reporter of her group. She went from giving the synopsis of what her group discussed, to her personal opinion, as well as professional/educational background.Maddening! You may not realize it, but this is a self esteem piece. It was important to her for everyone in the room to know who she was and her background. Therefore, she was determined to incorporate herself while sharing her group response. When an individual gets long winded and start to ramble, they have the “Case of the Whitleys”. I am a big fan of the television show A Different World. Jasmine Guy, portrayed southern bell Whitley Gilbert. Whitley was always accused of excessive talking or attempting to dominate the conversation. When Whitley is talking, you can not get a word in AT ALL. So what do you do when you have a Whitley Gilbert in your workshop? Presenter Rule Thumb #3: Make sure you give a 5-minute rule to share out and stick to it. If it looks like the reporter is having difficulty “finding the period”, as the presenter you politely interject and restate what the individual has shared. Then thank the group for their responses and quickly move to the next group. By restating what the individual said, you are showing the participant you were listening as well as being respectful of their time.

The workshop was a success and my 3 stubborn men actually shock my hand after the presentation. Nice! lol

MY POINT: Relational Aggression (Bully/Mean Girl) is about isolation, exclusion, intimidation, etc. When those men moved their chairs around to keep others from sitting next to them they were trying to “exclude” others from their group.

Individuals who try to dominate a conversation are typically trying to intimidate the other party(ies) into submission in some sort of way. Please do not misunderstand, if you are an outspoken individual, that is a great trait to have. High self-esteem outspoken individuals, can speak their minds but recognize the importance of allowing others to talk. Individuals with low to moderate self-esteem are overcompensating. Those are the ones who has “The Case of the Whitleys”. So be careful out there and make sure you are allowing others to talk and share their opinion as well. A conversation requires two or more individuals. It is not a conversation or dialogue if one person is monopolizing the conversation. So be careful my outspoken friends 🙂

We see these traits in our children. However, we cannot forget one important thing. Children mimic what they see from adults.

So are you a Mean Dude or Chick? hmmmmmm

Be nice out there…

A Message from FiNeSse Consulting

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Greetings FiNeSse Family!

Fall is officially here! I love this time of season..not to hot..not to cold. Love it! The school year is progressing nicely but this is the time that conflicts can begin to surface. During the fall season, issues between girls that have been simmering and simmering since August now explodes into World War 35! Maybe its the weather. Who knows with girls 🙂 Halloween is around the corner but I have to wonder who or what is worse, ghosts, goblins, or a ticked off teenage girl?

I know many of you work with young girls and ladies motivating them to be successful and to work through conflicts in a productive manner. TEAM! (in my coach’s voice) This is not the time to let our guards down! We have to be ready when the boiling pot explodes. Its coming…

Therefore, it is imperative to continue to keep the lines of communication open with our girls and young ladies. When you talk to the females on various issues, remember one important thing: Meet them where they are. Sounds easy in theory; however, when a young girl is crying on a topic that may seem trivial to you, it is important to remember, this “crisis” is important to her. We have to be understanding, compassionate, and most importantly restrain from using “adult language” (i.e. “It will be okay”, “Is that all”, “You are young…”) In my experience with working with girls and young ladies, this is Kryptonite to our Superman approach to Girls’ World communication.

So remember to meet them on their level in order to establish and maintain a productive line of communication.

Happy Fall!!

A Message from FiNeSse Consulting

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Mean Girls-The Untold Story

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to attend a high school football game. I have not been to a game since…well I think I was in high school. (No funny comments). I could not help but to be observant of how the girls were interacting with each other. I went to the restroom, because it was clear I was not going to miss any important football action…(Score was 71 to 0) I congregated in the area I saw the most teens. As I was listening to the girls talking amongst each other, I was warm with joy to hear them talking about girly girl stuff (clothes, boys, and even school work). I saw girls just enjoying each other’s company at a high school football game. I couldn’t help myself. I walked up to a group of girls, introduce myself and told them I was author of a book about mean girls. “Cool!” “Awesome!” “Much Needed!” was the response I got from them. They were in the 9th grade.

I asked one question “How do the girls get along in your grade level?” They first was hesitate to answer my question. I said it is for research for the book. I will not use your names. This adorable Black girl said with a bubbly voice,”Oh Ok” and started talking. lol She said, “I can only speak for myself, but I think the girls are pretty good at getting along with each other here.” The others nodded in agreement. The White girl next to her chimed in and said “Yea..we have our good days and bad days but I think we get along fine.” She goes on to say, “Messy girls was at my last school but they are pretty cool here”.

I thanked them for talking with me and gave one of them my business card just so they can see I was legit and wasn’t interrogating them for no reason. 🙂

My point of this post. These are the untold stories. The stories that suggests it is possible for girls to get along. So Kudos to the girls, parents, and the school. Even though this same school bullied (joke) the poor team they were playing. I mean really, 71 to 0! That’s just cruel. 🙂

Those young girls gave me motivation and validation and they didn’t even know it. They validated why I am passionate about what I do. I want to see girls understanding how to get along with each other in a positive constructive manner. Its ok if you do not like each other. That’s ok because depending on personalities, clashes may occur. However, it is important to remain respectful towards each other. I am not asking girls to hold hands and sing “We are the World” but I definitely don’t want to see them acting out scenes from the Bad Girls Club.

Thanks freshman girls! You are ok in my book!

Message from FiNeSse Consulting

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Girl Talk 101-CAN WE TALK?

Question: Why can’t grown women have a civilized conversation?

Well isn’t that a loaded question? Well Shepherd how about an answer? Ok, here is my take on the situation. I was talking to my grandfather the other day and I asked him this same question. He told me parents typically taught the boys to speak up for themselves but the girls had to be quiet and genteel. He goes on to say, “Was it right? I thought so at the time?” My 96 year old grandfather said back then if a woman spoke up for herself, she was considered being argumentative and would most likely NEVER get a man. As the generations of women continue to grow shouldn’t that have changed slightly? It certainly has in the women versus men debate. Women will question, analyze, and interrogate a man to the point of submission, but will not carry that same intensity in settling differences between other females. Why? We are so passive aggressive with a species that knows and understands the trials of being a female. As a former school counselor, I often found myself putting the “Female Wars” out on a daily basis. Female Wars means all the fights and arguments that occur in the land of Girls’ World. Example:

Story Alert: LaTisha was “beefing” (yes I said “beefing”, trying to be hip) with Madison because Randale told her that Maison was talking about her and her family, who didn’t have a lot of money. LaTisha is of course mad that Madison was talking about her behind her back. Instead of LaTisha asking Madison about what was said, she decided to remain quiet and didn’t talk to Madison for days. Note: In Girls’ World, days can feel like years.

Madison is confused on why her friend is being sileint with her. Madison decides to ask LaTisha what is going on. When she approaches LaTisha, Madison is calm and friendly. She asked “Hey, girl whats up? I haven’t spoken to you in days.” LaTisha Girl’s World response “Whatever”. Madison looks confused and ask again “What’s Up?” Instead of LaTisha explaining what the problem was she rudely said, “F*ck Up B@tch, you know what you did.” and walked off. NOW tempers are flaring. Madison is ticked off. Her friend just curse at her and she doesn’t know why.

Additional days go by when a teacher brings the matter to me. The girls had become so disruptive that they are disturbing the classroom environment. I now have LaTisha and Madison in my office and if looks could kill, both of them (not me of course) would be leaving the school in body bags. In my awesome “counselory” voice, I ask “What’s going on ladies?” and the Sonic Boom drops! Everyone is talking at the same time giving me a migrane. Long story took almost 30 minutes to get to the root of the problem. Finally, LaTisha tells Madison what Randale told her what Madison said about her and her family. Madison admits she said it but not in the manner Randale is portraying. LaTisha said “If I wanted the world to know my family is poor, I would have told them!” she shouts. I expressed to her that I understood and to calm down. I sent for Randale since she is the third party that has cause this issue. In the land of Girls’ World there is ALWAYS a third party. Madison explained that she did say that LaTisha didn’t have a lot of money and that she felt sorry for her. She said “LaTisha, I’m sorry girl. You right.. it wasn’t my place to tell your family’s business. I promise I didn’t say it in a mean way.. honest!” Randale comes in and I asked her about the issue. Of course Randale is sticking with she didn’t say anything to anybody. After 30 minutes of rants, you know I was not about to be calm and patience with this, but surprisingly the counselor was. I laid out all the information that was shared between LaTisha and Madison and asked Randale again. Still playing the victim card that she, Randale, has said anything and is don’t appreciate being accused. I could tell LaTisha and Madison is getting the bigger picture of what is going on. LaTisha and Madison decided to disregard Randale and to forgive each other.

Weeks of non-talking came down to a 45 minute meeting in my office. I end this post with this..if we teach our young girls/adult women the following, then MAYBE they will not grow up to be women who carry on in the same manner.

Steps to Remember:

1. Remain calm-Do not address an issue when emotions are running high.

2. Ask Questions-In a calm voice, ask the necessary questions that will get to the bottom of the conflict.

3. Listen-If you ask a question, wait for a response.

4. Resolution-Find a peaceful resolution to the problem where both parties are satisfied.

Lets put away the Passive Aggressive Mentality and Talk to One Another!

Happy Chatting Ladies!!

Excerpt from Oh My Gosh! Not Another Mean Girl: How to help Girls with Relational Aggression. Reserve your copy today at


OH MY GOSH! Not Another Mean Girl-Difficult Situations (Book Excerpt)

How to help girls face difficult situations?

Acceptance is a good starting point when faced with a difficult situation. As females, we are naturally the “fixer”. We want to fix everything, anything, and everybody to maintain peace. However, sometimes the situation is unfixable. If another female is convince you are talking about her and you know you haven’t said ONE word about her, this is something TMG (the misunderstood girl) will just have to accept. The other girl is going to believe what she wants to believe.

Is it hard sometimes? Yes! It is important she acknowledges that it does bothers her but it’s something that she herself cannot fix. Life in Girls’ World is a never ending roller coaster of emotions. The situation will eventually die down. If/when that occurs maybe the individual will be more receptive to listen to TMG side of the story, but if that day never occurs, help TMG accept it and keep it moving….

-Reserve your book at